After my four month stint in Minneapolis, the time has come for me to head back to my hometown of Columbus. It’s the holidays and of course, fate has mischievously been plotting and working out the timing of my move - quite conveniently, I might add. Now that everything is coming to an end here in the northern midwest, I’m filled with a sincere longing to see my oldest and closest friends, and a bit of sorrow for having to leave this place. Even though a bit of me will always remain here, I will probably never return. I felt the same way as I had when leaving Columbus for so many years - a decent place to experience, but it’s not quite for me. Neither city is enough for me and my future - my goals and dreams far exceed the possibilities. However, I also believe that no place in the United States can quite entertain my deepest desires and gypsy-esque feelings on life and how I wish to live it. A major aspect of Minneapolis/St. Paul that I will miss, however, is the music and night scene. In nearly all other aspects (excluding population and size), Columbus and the twin cities are nearly identical. They have the same downtown spread, art and night district with plenty of suburbs and shopping malls. Wherever you are in either city, if you hadn’t known any better you would not be able to recognize one for the other.
The saying goes, “home is where you make it” (famously from the movie Joe Dirt, haha). It’s quite true really. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog updates the past two weeks, you would know that I had packed up and set out to tour the Caribbean. I’m getting ready to board the plane back home to Saint Paul, Minnesota. In my last post I had updated on my current situation that was dealt a catastrophic blow to that whole moving plan. I was robbed in the Puerto Rican rain forest a few days ago, where a gang broke into several cars along the road - they had taken all of my money, among other items as well.
First off - apologies! Apologies for the lack of updates as of late. I've been traveling and transitioning.
Here's what you've missed:
-I did it! I left all that I've ever known and am staying temporarily in St. Paul, MN.
-Before arriving to St. Paul I semi-aimlessly wandered around Canada - with stops in Niagara, Toronto, 1000 Islands, Adirondacks NY, Montreal, Ottawa and Grand Marais MI. The entire trip was fantastic, quite relaxing and precisely what I needed. The final driving count ended up at over 2,400 miles!
-In the beginning of August, I had decided that I wished to visit the Caribbean since I've never been - and I felt as though I deserved a vacation. I purchased tickets from Minneapolis/St. Paul International to Luis Muñoz Marín International in San Juan, Puerto Rico for September 20-25th.
It’s easy to lose track in life and let stress build up - especially when it feels like nothing ever slows down enough to focus on dealing with what’s gone wrong. Sometimes it feels as though there’s not enough time in the day to face your problems head-on. I would believe it if someone told me that 90 out of every 100 people on earth have gone through that exact same experience at some point in the past few years. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that everyone - at one point in time or another - has felt as if their life is collapsing in around them. And that feeling - it’s the absolute worst.
(photo borrowed from © http://www.seepuertorico.com/)
Seriously, Columbus is working overtime shifts - with all its heart - to win mine back. Everything that has happened in the past two weeks should have happened well before I began feeling as though it’s time for me to leave. Various friends of old and new relations have come from out of the woodwork, accompanied by strange feelings of insecurity - an insecurity asking me to rethink my decision. To tempt me into a false feeling of relaxed jubilance - through having fun, new and exciting times with new people and a sense of being lonely no more.
It was a suffocating, dark night, accompanied by muffled city silence - which surrounded us on a secluded empty patio of a bar in the arts district of the city. After months of futile effort to make a relationship work - and simultaneously fail - everything was culminating into the same empty nothingness where it ironically had started. I had realized the day before that I'd lost my family and in an unbalanced move, I attempted to finally have her accept what we really were - perhaps out of my own selfish need to feel like someone cared. Or maybe I was just over the up and downs; the roller coaster ride of uncertainty; the daily anguish. But since we'd never figured it out officially, I knew I couldn't fake it anymore. I hadn't been fully happy with her for months - because I’d always wanted more.
It was a long, drawn out talk of unsteady, slow-moving words; a conversation where I finally revealed my secret - I had fallen for her months ago. Isn't that so damned cliche? Just like a movie. Insert big, drawn out sigh here.
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