I believe it’s safe to say that I’m 90% positive that my exile from everything I’ve ever known will soon manifest itself into short-lived memory, rather than just a simple pipe dream. And I have to say that, rather than feeling relieved (from all that has been ailing me up until this point) and overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation, I feel a deep feeling of sorrow (literally deep, down, to my core - perhaps, best described as an aching in my bones). I’m not upset, per say, not exactly sad, but a feeling of overall ache; a deeply seeded twinge from the depths of my heart. (Photo above by Pavelis / iStock)
With every slow, monumental drag of this cigarette and every lingering bittersweet taste on my tongue from this whiskey, my nerves shadow the thoughts of all that I’ve known and every person who has impacted my life (especially those recently) and how it all may soon be a distant memory. It’s easy at first, to think that a new life will come easy enough to me, if I put the work in and if I simply take the first steps toward starting all over; but right now, my eyes are filled with anguish, and wistful tears.
My shoulders are quivering and I honestly don’t know if I’m making the right decision now - some days are painless, full of planning and baby steps in the right direction - others are pitfalled and monopolized with thoughts of missing. Missing, even though I’ve not lost what I fear that I may. A move, a change; it’s what I need - I know, though with reminiscence, alone in solitude, surrounded in all that I’ve known - before it is whisked away; in this, I feel the great depth of loss. A loss that I have expected to feel, but barely; probably once I’ve already hit the road to far away places, still unknown.
So why now am I caught up in this tumultuous onslaught? Is it my neuroticism working to alleviate the pain, now that there’s time to work through it? Rather than later, when I’m overwhelmed with it all, with all that living through this literal chaos of change will bring... I know not. But I do question it, examining everything with seemingly unneeded weight - I can’t help it. Is this a sign to stay? Perhaps, only time will tell - or with more whiskey, yes.
My shoulders are quivering and I honestly don’t know if I’m making the right decision now - some days are painless, full of planning and baby steps in the right direction - others are pitfalled and monopolized with thoughts of missing. Missing, even though I’ve not lost what I fear that I may. A move, a change; it’s what I need - I know, though with reminiscence, alone in solitude, surrounded in all that I’ve known - before it is whisked away; in this, I feel the great depth of loss. A loss that I have expected to feel, but barely; probably once I’ve already hit the road to far away places, still unknown.
So why now am I caught up in this tumultuous onslaught? Is it my neuroticism working to alleviate the pain, now that there’s time to work through it? Rather than later, when I’m overwhelmed with it all, with all that living through this literal chaos of change will bring... I know not. But I do question it, examining everything with seemingly unneeded weight - I can’t help it. Is this a sign to stay? Perhaps, only time will tell - or with more whiskey, yes.
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