Since I’ve decided that leaving was a real option for me, I’ve been taking small steps in that direction - working to save the money I need to have backed up and striving to have all my affairs in order by the date I’ve set in my head. Everything’s been so up-in-the-air lately, every little thing - my job, my relationship and all personal sense of normality. My relationship has been the most trying, for myself though.
That relationship or whatever it was, also up-in-the-air, has been dwindling into a weird unknowing certainty - but now, I’m seeing the certainty, I deserve better than bipolar day to day, ins and outs - followed by future uncertainty. Though, I wish there would be something more, something from my dreams confirmed - that, perhaps I would find true love and not ever regret staying for her. So unfortunate, for today, as it marked the day that months of quandary had culminated - to aspire to, where I had been forced to the final threshold, where setting an ultimatum to myself - get in or move on.
She’s been something very special to me - but as certain as uncertainty goes, she never knows what she wants and never coincides with her emotions - not to anyone. So, ever knowing where things lie is a mystery; possibly great enough to stump the most accomplished wiseman. Though, today, of all days, with an ultimatum in mind and a much-needed conversation, she faltered from her own great self-lie and finally let herself begin to feel. It should not be a moment of glory, maybe I should not feel proud - but she finally seems to be letting herself realize what she’s about to lose. The old, cliche saying, “you never know what you have, until it’s gone,” rings true in this scenario.
It’s a foul game, fate plays - unlike other flirtatious times before this, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, the reason of her coming into my life. I usually can pinpoint a reason to why fate sent that person to me; either for me to help her or for her to help me - but it’s always to move on to something else or to improve a certain part of one’s life which only help from another can seem to provide. In this case, I’m confounded. She came into my life, just as sporadic and random as she may be seemingly leaving it - that is, if I leave.
Now, I’m in a tougher spot than before our talks, but a sense of awareness - a knowing; finally, we know closer to where we both are in this. I know I should experience life and go, head in the direction that I’ve been seemingly gravitating toward the past few months - but I’m scared. I’m scared of losing what we have and what could be - although, is potential enough to settle? I feel like I’ve watched this tale unfold through films, hundreds of times. For example, in 17 Again, the main character is depressed and upset with his life for getting his girlfriend pregnant in high school and he settles down with her (of course), instead of following where his talents would lead him, whilst making true his dream of becoming a professional basketball player.
So, again, I question... Should I stay or should I go?
Like I said, everything is so up-in-the-air. My job is another story, for another time - as well as all my friends and family.
Is this confusing situation going to pan itself out to be a growing experience? Will something good come of it all? Will I be able to be happy for the rest of my life - if I settle now? Sigh, then again... Why is something so new, effecting me so? Screw it - the answer is obvious: more whisky!